Spiritual Wall-Fare

Written By: LaLa George

He was handsome. Tall with a hue of smooth milk chocolate, his tailored suit outlined his well-chiseled physique. A physique that graced the pews of my church, every Sunday morning for bible study, church service, Wednesday night bible study and Friday night worship. The brotha was dedicated. * fans self with a paper hand held church fan *

For months we playfully glanced and smiled at each other from across the church sanctuary. Neither one of us had the courage to introduce ourselves to each other. There were too many eyes, too many of the pastors spies, waiting for an opportunity to report any hint of indiscretion. I knew my place. I was to “wait on the Lord” until the Lord revealed to him that I was his “good thing”.

I don’t think he ever was aware that there was an unspoken competition between the sisters to sit next to him during the Sunday morning service. Every Sunday there was a different “winner”. Sitting straight, with her head held high, and her smile would light up the entire sanctuary!

One Sunday, while the saints were fellowshipping in the foyer of the church, we made eye contact again. He started to make his way towards me, only to be stopped by a former winner. Looking back as I walked away, his eyes filled with sorrow for it was a lost opportunity. “That’s it,” I said to myself. I was determined to formally meet him next Sunday!

The day had arrived and I was ready to meet…. you know, the guy. I got to church early and sat next to his usual seat. One by one people filed into the sanctuary as I waiting patiently for him to arrive. As he turned the corner to enter the pew, his eyes lit up and a HUGE smile spread across his face! We greeted each other and had a great conversation. As we watched the service we joked about how someone sang, commented about an announcement that came from the pulpit regarding a church activity.

Suddenly, there was an interruption in the service and the Pastor rose and walked to the pulpit. What happened next changed my life! “Church is not a place for you to meet our husband and wife … I want you to end your fraternization in the church building as well as in the parking lot”. I was devastated! Just as the Pastor spoke it, an invisible wall was built between me and the man I admired. It would be years before that wall would finally come down. I later learned that this wall did not just exist at my church but as I visited other churches I would see the evidence of scratch marks where women tried to tear down this wall of alienation.

Why is there a wall between single Christian men and women in church? Upon interviewing a few men from different churches, these are the top 3 reasons why you were not approached:

#1 We don’t want to appear lustful!

One major fear of Christian men is that their interest will be misconstrued as unsavory, unclean, and lascivious. This creates a lot of anxiety in men coupled with the fear of being rejected. The reputation of being a “playa” is one label no man wants attached to his name.

#2 If men were not aggressive in the world, they will not be aggressive in the church.

Me:” There are a lot of beautiful women here”.

Church dude: “Yes there are!”

Me: “Why don’t you approach one?”

Church dude: “I don’t have to. Someone will approach me by the end of service”

                                       Case and point!

It appears as though some men are not taught the fine art of “finding” a woman. This is integral in setting the tone in relationships. Men are supposed to be leaders, the head of the woman. If you fall back, the woman will be your head. Read the book of Genesis to see how this arrangement worked for Adam and Eve.

#3 Atmosphere, Atmosphere, Atmosphere!

Church philosophy about how singles should navigate through a ministry has a huge impact on how comfortable they will relate with one another. Many churches have made an effort to have singles ministries that nurture their single population. Other churches place the responsibility of personal fellowship and development squarely on the shoulders of their single population. Upon my inquiry, many clergy fear a heightened level of fornication and therefore disallow any activities that encourage singles fellowshipping with one another. Consequently this leaves singles without guidance to navigate the sometimes challenging waters of dating. If you want the church to GROW well, need I say more….